It's May 7th. I turn 19 tomorrow. 19, not a very significant birthday. There are a few dance clubs in AZ that are 19 and over, so you can bet I'll hit those up this summer. I can't drink yet, and I can't rent a car. 19 seems pretty significant, but it has been staring at me from my calendar for the last two months, taunting me. You see, my mom got married when she was 19. My sister got married when I was 19. And then...there's me. I am single on the eve of my 19th birthday. Not that this bothers me; there is no way in heaven, earth, or hell, that I am going to be ready to get married in the coming year. I am way to immature and selfish for marriage. But, it's hard being different than the other women in my family. Realizing that I'm not quite like them makes me ask many questions...Did I do something wrong? Will I ever get married? Is there something wrong with me? Does love even exist in my future? How fast does my biological clock tick? Are my eggs gonna dry up and fall off soon? Do I even want to get married? Now, these might seems like exaggerations, but I have honestly asked myself ever single one of those questions. I didn't realize how much I expected myself to conform to my family's accidental tradition--it is accidental, they're not exerting any pressure on me--until all of the sudden I didn't. All this is to say, that May 8th 2012 has been sticking its tongue out at me ever since December when I became single after a very steady 2 1/2 year relationship and realized that I would not be fitting the Lady Kurtz mold.
In fact, my whole life has been sticking it's poopy little tongue out at me this past semester.
6 months ago, I could have told you pretty certainly who I was going to marry, what my career would be, where I'd live, the pets I'd have, and pretty much any other minor detail or large aspect of my life. Now, I have no idea. Everything, and I mean everything has either been up in the air at some point this semester or still is. I don't know if you've ever been there, but it is absolutely terrifying. Sometimes it feels like I'm floating aimlessly in the ocean with no anchor and no control. I have nothing holding me down, keeping me safe or even telling me who I am. But, this is also exhilarating beyond belief. All the sudden, all the limits that others had placed on my life or I had implemented for the sake of a plan and safe were shattered. I no longer had any limits. My horizons were insanely expanded. Swimming through that Ocean, walking forward towards the line where the sky meets the edge of the earth is something I have to do every day now. This is the scariest and most amazing time in my life. Every day, I make a journey towards the unknown. The vikings used to scrawl on the edges of their maps, where the land had yet to be explored, "Here be Dragons." I'm at the edge of my map, stepping into dragon territory. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
As I walk into the dragons' land, I'm living one day at a time. I'm loving people, loving myself, and loving my God. I'm pouring myself into everything I do, living passionately. I think and I speak with meaning. I don't try to control things anymore; I know they'll unfold perfectly. I know that right now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. God has brought me here, and he wants me here, he will not leave me or abandon the work he has started in me. God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. So, trusting in this, my life is very similar to Pocahontas', I'm looking and waiting for what's just around the river bend, and I'm canoeing down that river peacefully, enjoying the present water and thinking fondly, but not trying to control, predict, or guess, what's just around the next bend. In the beautiful words of Anton Chekhov"The blood of mermaids flows in your veins, so be a mermaid! Let yourself go for once in your life, fall head over heels in love with some water sprite, and plunge headlong into the deep". I have mermaids blood; I have life to live; I have water to plunge into; I have no need to hold back; I have passion to spread; I have no right or reason to place limits on myself; I have dragons to battle; I have mermaids blood.
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